We’ve heard it

a thousand times – forgive and forget.

We even tell ourselves that line, adding a bit of shame and a dash of guilt when we recall how we’ve been wronged. We question ourselves. Are we bitter, vengeful, if we don’t forget?

Even the google search reminds us.

Forgiving is biblical. Is forgetting? Is there a Bible verse about that somewhere? A song? A quote?

Should we just move on?

Conversations with my kids often result in wrestling with hard, but necessary truths.

And this year, forgiveness has been a big topic.

Forgiveness –

What does it look like? What does it feel like? Who is it for?

In relationships, I think we often forgive and forget because to do otherwise involves tension. It requires accountability. And that takes strength.

Forgetting is easier than discussing consequences, wisely withholding trust until it’s earned, and practicing the vigilance that comes with discernment.

My son came to me one day with the complaint that a friend had stolen something from him. He knew who did it.

What do we say? Forgive and forget?

Not so easy.

I reminded him:

Forgiveness

is for you. It heals your soul from the harm. It releases bitterness. It releases the control that the other person’s actions have over you. It shows your love for them as a child of God. We forgive because we have received Christ’s forgiveness of us.

Repentance

is for the offender. If they repent, that will heal their soul from the harm they caused, or begin to, anyway. You can’t control whether they repent and whether or not they do, doesn’t prevent you from forgiving them. “I’m sorry,” is not repentance. Repentance is a grief of their soul that they have wronged someone and a willingness and a walk of making it right. Not everyone who wrongs you will repent. Time is the truth teller.

Consequences

are independent of either forgiveness or repentance. So often in Christiandom, people seek, or we offer, cheap grace. Cheap forgiveness. But the murderer isn’t set free because the family forgave him. The thief isn’t found “not guilty” because he apologized. There are natural consequences when people break the law, but there are relational consequences when people break relationships through their actions. Sometimes the impact of consequences help urge people to repentance.

As I told my son, calling out his friend’s theft and asking for his property back will be difficult, but it creates a consequence. Reporting deceitful or abusive behavior also results in a natural consequence. We are called to rebuke our brother who sins against us. (Luke 17:3: “So watch yourselves. If your brother or sister sins against you, rebuke them; and if they repent, forgive them.”) Allowing, or even supporting, consequences doesn’t mean you haven’t or can’t forgive them. And it doesn’t prevent that person from repenting. In fact, a consistent lack of consequences, I’d argue, is actually unloving in that it fails to offer the tension that can prompt repentance in a willing heart. A repentant heart willingly accepts the consequences for their harmful actions.

Relationship

may continue to exist after a wrong occurs, but it will be fractured without forgiveness, repentance, and consequences. Sometimes, a relationship isn’t appropriate or advised, given the circumstances, the wrongs, or especially, a lack of repentance. In most cases, a victim and her family aren’t having dinner with her molester. In a much milder situation, my son and his friend continued their relationship, but it required action to be restored. God speaks specifically about these issues:

“Walk with the wise and become wise, for a companion of fools suffers harm.” Proverbs 13:20

“Do not be misled: ‘Bad company corrupts good character.’” 1 Cor. 15:33

“Do not make friends with a hot-tempered person, do not associate with one easily angered, or you may learn their ways and get yourself ensnared.” Proverbs 22:24-25

Reconciliation

defined as the restoration of friendly relations or the end of an estrangement, is part of coming back together after wrongs have been forgiven and repented of. It is relational, and also, independent of whether there are consequences for the wrong.

Trust

should be considered with discernment and wisdom. Even where there is forgiveness and repentance, it is wise, depending on the offense, for trust to be rebuilt slowly, if it can be. A sure sign of fake repentance is when the offender doesn’t want consequences, but wants trust quickly restored. Words aren’t the key. It’s the actions of the offender that you should watch. Do they match their words? Are they consistent over time? God speaks on this as well:

“I am sending you out like sheep among wolves. Therefore be as shrewd as snakes and as innocent as doves.” Matthew 10:16

“Dear friends, do not believe every spirit, but test the spirits to see whether they are from God, because many false prophets have gone out into the world.” 1 John 4:1

“It is better to take refuge in the LORD than to trust in humans. It is better to take refuge in the LORD than to trust in princes.” Psalm 118:8-9

“Trust in the LORD with all your heart, and do lean not on your own understanding; In all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight.” Proverbs 3:5-6

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So the big lesson

for our year has been that forgiveness, repentance, consequences, relationship, reconciliation, and trust are all separate things. While they relate to one another, there is no “if … then ….” And the offender doesn’t get to dictate the pace or shame the victim into “forgetting” as being biblical. In fact, God calls us to be wise and use discernment in our relationships.

“Better is open rebuke than hidden love. Wounds from a friend can be trusted, but an enemy multiplies kisses.” Proverbs 27:5-6

So the next time you’ve been hurt by someone in your life, consider carefully how you handle issues of forgiveness, repentance, consequences, relationship, reconciliation, and trust. Good boundaries and accountability are part of how you love well, do justice, love mercy, walk humbly, and testify about the nature of God’s holiness.

Have there been times when dealing with these issues separately has been difficult? What did you learn from that experience? How did it affect that relationship?