One little line

I remember it clearly. One little line.

One little line that changes your life. It’s not a line you stand in, a line you draw, a line in the sand. That little blue line on a positive pregnancy test. You almost burst with emotion, the potential of life. What will he be like? Will she look like me? How will we be as parents? Will I like being pregnant? Oh, the baby shower!! All of those thoughts circulate in a women’s mind so quickly and rapidly that it is difficult to all of a sudden become the woman who is no longer pregnant. I remember that clearly too.

Sometimes you even try to find it again.

Looking for the little blue line. Sometimes it’s still there and sometimes you can see if fading, even as you desperately hope that that baby is not disappearing right before your eyes.

I remember my first miscarriage the most clearly. Maybe because I still had the innocence that once you get pregnant, that means you are going to have a baby. Not so much. But if there’s one thing I’ve learned along this journey, it is that God certainly controls the womb. All the medicines and procedures can be used by Him, but He is still the master physician.

The second miscarriage is most clear for the despair. I was pregnant, I had the blue line, and then, I had the doctor’s appointment. They wanted to track my hormone levels to make sure my body was making enough to keep the baby alive. I got the results on a Friday, the day I was boarding a plane for a training session in Florida. I did not have enough hormones to sustain the baby. He would not live.

But, I was still pregnant, I argued! I had not miscarried! The line was still there!

I would surely miscarry, was the reply. They were not sure when. It was awaiting the inevitable death of my baby that tore at my heart. Sitting on a plane, wondering if it would happen then, the next day, in the middle of the training session…. My body racked with silent sobs on a plane that luckily, had empty seats next to me. That was when I first learned to sob silently. I have gotten very good at it since then. Crying in the shower is also a good bet.

I did read the book of Job on the plane. I had to remind myself that it could be worse. That’s how immature I still was, and possibly still am. Sometimes it’s hard to be thankful in the midst of pain and despair. Sometimes you just have to consider that it could get worse and be thankful that you have who and what you do have.

Luckily, depending on how you look at, the loss did not happen during the training session, although my body was preparing for it and I could barely sit with the trainer and focus. I felt horrible and no one knew why.

When it did happen, was the day I returned home. Luckily, like I said, at home. But … on my birthday. I was 28. Two more losses later, I let go of my dream of having children. I had prayed once, asking the Lord to please tell me if we would ever have children. I felt that He had said we would. I just never knew when. We looked into adoption, but still felt like it was not the right fit for us.

So, we went looking for a piece of land to fulfill another dream we had of living on land in the country. We found a house and some land. Closed on it.

Two weeks later, I was pregnant. Again.

And this time it stuck.