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It’s easy
to see people either as having experienced trauma or not.
“I don’t have trauma because I’ve never been a soldier in war. I’ve never been a victim of abuse. I’ve never witnessed unspeakable acts.”
Maybe you’re saying that to yourself. And while most people view those circumstances as involving potential trauma, it begs the question: What is trauma?
“Individual trauma results from an event, series of events, or set of circumstances that is experienced by an individual as physically or emotionally harmful or life threatening and that has lasting adverse effects on the individual’s functioning and mental, physical, social, emotional, or spiritual well-being.” U.S. Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration
So trauma is something that is (1) experienced as harmful or life threatening, and (2) has lasting effects on the individual.
Trauma is not the event.
Trauma is our individual response to the event or circumstances – our subconscious, emotional responses within the recesses of our brain and body that continue to affect us negatively. Responses and effects that can be different for everyone.
Not everyone experiences the same event or circumstances the same way. You and I could be in the same situation and experience it differently – even where one of us has trauma and the other does not. There are so many different risk factors for trauma. Each of us is unique in our psyche and in our life experiences, both of which contribute to whether we experience something as traumatic and if so, to what extreme.
However, trauma symptoms can be similar no matter what type of trauma you’ve experienced, whether from war, abuse, a car accident, witnessing violence, or scary medical procedures. These symptoms can include things like:
U.S. Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration.
An incredible resource on trauma, its impact on the body and ways to process it and heal is the book, The Body Keeps the Score, by Bessel van der Kolk.
In 2018, I started therapy for the first time in my life. I was also reading and researching a lot for my book coming out in July on medical trauma, “Afraid of the Doctor: Every Parent’s Guide to Preventing and Managing Medical Trauma.”
As I researched and wrote, I recognized a lot of things that made me really uncomfortable – a lot of trauma symptoms in myself. But I’ve always been a do-er, a solver, a “self care feels selfish” kind of girl (hint: it’s not selfish), so I latched onto the easiest and simplest explanation (a principle also known as Occam’s Razor).
It must be medical trauma.
Absolutely, both my son and I had experienced significant medical trauma since his diagnosis with Hunter syndrome in 2009. So many doctor appointments, surgeries, tests, a clinical trial, infusions – which I personally began to perform every week in 2014.
It was true. It is true. I have medical trauma. So does my son. That knowledge is what first caused me to start learning and writing about medical trauma starting back in 2011.
But I also have trauma from other circumstances in my life.
I’ve written a bit in the last several months about some of the factual events surrounding my marriage and my interactions with my ex-husband’s former employer, Ramsey Solutions and its CEO, Dave Ramsey. However, I haven’t publicly shared the vast majority of this story nor most of the trauma associated with it. I’m not ready. And some parts of it aren’t my story to tell.
If you’re interested, you can find the background in these posts:
My hope, however, is that as I heal, I will write less and less on here about that situation and more about the things that either give me life or give me pause. If you want to keep following my observations about what is happening at Ramsey Solutions (hint: there’s a lot), feel free to follow me over on Medium as well.
What I’ve learned from writing a book about trauma and from experiencing several different kinds of trauma is that trauma is trauma. The symptoms of different kinds of trauma are similar and can compound one another. And too quickly isolating one source of trauma can make you overlook other potential causes as well. Possibly for a very long time.
It’s okay to realize you may have several traumatic events or circumstances in your life. That’s actually more typical for most people. And when we’re free to see trauma as a spectrum, we realize that there are many layers to resolving what might be minor traumas all the way to significant traumas in our lives, and that there’s not an award for categorizing it as one or the other. And there’s certainly not an award for living in denial.
In fact, acknowledging that we might have trauma doesn’t make us a “victim” either. While in some cases, we might be a victim (or I prefer survivor), of someone else’s violent or abusive actions, with respect to trauma, when we recognize it, we have an opportunity to participate in a process to help heal our own responses and their effects on our life.
(As an aside, please ignore the people railing against a “victim culture” – they’re usually the ones causing the harm that results in victims. People of compassion don’t complain about “victim culture,” they learn about trauma and come alongside those who are hurting, even if they are hurting themselves. That is some real Jesus work.)
The reality for me, and for many others, is that no matter what kind of trauma we are suffering, “sharing these in-the-dark stories helps others feel less alone.” (Source: Mary DeMuth) So, for me, whether it’s trauma I’ve suffered in my marriage, from a powerful and influential person and organization that tried to control and silence me, or from years and years of medical interventions with my son, my goal and hope is that in opening the door to some of my story, it might help others. And it might just help me too.
To whom much is given, much is required.
Regarding specific therapies, approaches such as trauma-focused cognitive behavior therapy, EMDR, play therapy for children, and others, which help us process trauma, can help improve outcomes. Personally, after feeling like I’ve bounced from trauma to trauma in the last several years, I can attest to the effectiveness of trauma-focused cognitive behavior therapy and EMDR. And our book on medical trauma offers strategies for parents to help them prevent or reduce medical trauma specifically in their children and in themselves.
And as I re-read our book multiple times in the editing and proofing stages, I found myself implementing some of the same strategies we recommend to readers again and again to help myself process and heal through traumas that weren’t related at all to my son’s medical condition or treatments.
Trauma is trauma is trauma.
It is true that writing and releasing a book is like having a baby – a book baby is what they call it. Having had three babies, I agree. And like a baby, I both get to enjoy it (and its helpful strategies) myself, as well as release it to the world.
This book, Afraid of the Doctor, started as research in an effort to help my own son in 2011, then turned into email replies to questions from other families, then into blog posts, then into an e-book, and now, into the first book designed to help parents support their children and themselves through medical challenges. My co-author, Dr. Meghan Marsac, is one of the preeminent experts on pediatric medical trauma and has been a blessing in my life over the past several years as we partnered to turn this book into a reality.
Whether you’re a parent to a child with special or chronic health needs like mine, or a parent to a typical child who is just afraid of the doctor or the dentist or shots or an upcoming surgery, the strategies in this book are designed to help you. Even if your child has unique needs, such as being very young, nonverbal, or cognitively impaired, this book specifically addresses those needs. It also speaks to the trauma that you may have experienced as a parent dealing with medical events with your child. And finally, as in my case, it can benefit you in just its perspective on trauma and strategies to help.
I hope you will pre-order the book if it would be helpful to you, share it with someone in your life who may benefit from it, and recommend it to your local library, children’s hospital, and pediatrician.
– Melissa
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