It smelled faintly of sour milk

and goldfish crackers.

If I could inhale that smell of ordinary parenting long enough, maybe I could go back to ordinary parenting, I thought.

Out of the corner of my eye, I could actually see the orange crumbs wedged in between the rug’s fibers, left over from my last quick effort at vacuuming.

I closed my eyes.

It was as if every cell of my body was on high alert, but moving in slow motion at the same time. I was laid out flat on the living room rug.

I had never been a pray-out-loud kind of person. But that day, I begged God to save my son.

He was dying. He would die, all the experts said, absent some miraculous event or breakthrough.

And in that moment, on that day, God asked,

Do you really believe what you say you believe?

It’s so easy for us to gloss over it and quickly reply, “Yes. Yes, of course I believe.” That’s what I wanted to say: Of course I do!

But He challenged me:

• Do you really believe there is a heaven?
• Do you really believe that you will go there?
• Do you really believe that your life here is just a refining time for your eternity in heaven? A chance to grow in your love for me and your testimony of my faithfulness?
• Do you really believe that I formed your son exactly this way for a reason?
• Do you really believe that I want his life to reflect my glory? That I want you to reflect my glory?

[tweet_dis excerpt=”The world told me that I should grieve and mourn and rage. God told me I should believe.”]The world told me that I should grieve and mourn and rage. God told me I should believe.[/tweet_dis]

[tweet_dis excerpt=””Crucible moments like sickness and death create a tug of war in our souls between believing the world or believing God.””]Crucible moments like sickness and death create a tug of war in our souls between believing the world or believing God.[/tweet_dis]

We wrestle. The wrestling isn’t wrong. God will meet us in the wrestling. He’s not afraid of it. He doesn’t condemn us for it. But at some point in the wrestling match, we will certainly surrender.

The question is, to whom will we surrender? God will ask us to choose.

We must actively choose whom to believe – God or the world.

And if we decide that we believe God, how then will we live?

It was and is okay for me as a mother to desire my son’s health and to want him here with us for as long as possible. But God calls us to hold our children with an open hand – to steward their lives as a testimony of God’s love and God’s power in their and our lives.

God assures us that He desires their highest good, but we must recognize that their highest good might look different than what the world considers valuable: health, wealth, and a long and earthly productive life.

It just might look like living out Jesus’ own words in John 9:3: “But this happened so that the works of God might be displayed in him.”

Living out what we say we believe calls us to surrender – our dreams, our selfish desires, our view of what we wanted our life to be. We surrender our own desires and replace them, every day, with God’s desires.

Even when our dreams aren’t bad or inconsistent with the Word (wanting to see your child grow up, for example), God’s will for our lives, even if we can’t see its goodness right away, is higher and better than our own.

For My thoughts are not your thoughts,
Nor are your ways My ways,” declares the Lord.
For as the heavens are higher than the earth,
So are My ways higher than your ways

Isaiah 55:8-9.

That moment on the rug with sour milk and cracker crumbs was ten years ago. God has miraculously gifted my son to our family and the world for ten beautiful years. He might allow ten more, fifty more, or… not. As for all of us, our days are numbered and known only to God.

Your eyes have seen my unformed substance;
And in Your book were all written
The days that were ordained for me,
When as yet there was not one of them.

Psalm 139:16.

Ten years later, God is asking different questions. They still call me to ask myself:

Do you really believe what you say you believe?

• Do you really believe that I care for you more than the birds of the field?
• Do you really believe I am a God of justice and truth?
• Do you really believe that I see and know everything about your life?

If we believe those things, our daily walk looks different than if we don’t. We worry less. We love more. We ask God about what it looks like for us to live justly, love mercy, and walk humbly before Him.

We give generously, not just of possessions, but of compassion, forgiveness, and hope, because God calls us to be stewards of all those things.

What is He asking you to believe about Him today?

What might look different in your life if you walked out what you say you believe, without fear or concern over earthly consequences, but only with an eye toward whether the Lord was pleased with you?